1st X1 seal the deal

Starmer vs. Sunak. Tom vs. Jerry. Fury vs. Joshua. These are the battles we like to see, we want to see, and on a grey miserable day in the deepest darkest recesses of Rochester, where Dickens toiled at his ink pot and dreamt of child poverty and a pickpocket or two, the Mighty Village travelled with the intention of wrapping up the dream ticket of Mens Invicta 3. They were to face the mighty Old Wills' the only team to steal away a point at Fortress Valence.

It was a late push back allowing Friday's Goachers and Tandoori to have truly settled and with the absence of the shorter less good looking McVarish the air would be free of those memories. It should be mentioned here that McVarish Snr. had been called away on humanitarian grounds to care for a past Sutton Valence player at a meet and greet of Stout and hot pant fanciers at an undisclosed location. His sore ankle would deplete our midfield but not our spirits.

"Make no bones about it.." they would come hard and fast and once the umpires had checked we were happy with the Trump Tangerine shirts we began.

The start was refined, elegant and systematic. The balletic Back carved through the opposition with a couple of delightful long passes that helped set the tone. There was discipline and calm. Cultured pass and move that pleased our Kiwi commander. It was either good "position" hockey or it might have been "possession", one really can't be sure. Whatever it was it was sublime and the home team were clearly stunned... even their rowdy bench of Boys from Benidorm were subdued.

The first and inevitable goal came with an Alexander The Great slap from the top of the D as if to punctuate the first Act of this epic. 1-0.

The calm was broken when the Van Dijkesque Back (the footballer not the painter) made his trademark tackle from behind..no stick.. no ball..just intertwined legs like Anne Widdecombe at the argentine tango. Green. No complaints.

This season has created a team of Musketeers, at times joined in hirsute top lips and photocalls with festive donkeys. When we are a man down others stand up and so it was that the evergreen Young rose like a rampant salmon and saved the resultant Back foul play flick, swatting it away like Federer ridding himself of an incessant netbound Nadal. Great save.

The Old Men of Rochester saw a small chink in the armour and they were emboldened. They pressed on and Sutton Valence unflappables became The Village exposables. After some unrequited prodding and probing another penalty corner ensued and this time the rapier-like shot stung the Valence net and the masks were discarded in disgust. 1-1.

With this brought the petulant period of play. There was moaning and whining, some dribbling down dark alleys or rabbit holes or warrens from which you can't return and so it was necessary to turn the tide. Step forward our educational maestro, the pirouetting meerkat, Mr. Chris "Johnners" Johnson. Whilst admonishing himself for some past misdemeanour, he accidentally tripped over his sack cloth and left the young Williamsonian fellow sprawling on the floor. The umpire, now thinking this was some sort of Village welcome, took the opportunity to brandish the green once more and not needing to be asked twice upgraded his decision to yellow, as quick as you can say "new edition Iphone15." It’s not clear the umpire was aware of the aforementioned doyenne of the flanks' need to commentate constantly in any game, and that the remarks were not really for his ears or anyone else's most likely. On Valence went, now accustomed to ten, half time loomed big in the window. It would soon be time for some rousing words and some further application of medicaments and ointments.

After a couple of "let's go out and enjoy it'' and "it's a long way to come to not go home with the trophy”, Valence marched out into the fray and set about completing a good year's work.

Some hockey masterpieces were to ensue. Ken Brooks, fresh from his performance of "I am Ken" at the Oscars, tiptoed through the opposition and produced the best cross and assist of the year to only be let down by the spread-eagled Turnill twin, possibly auditioning as Torvill and Dean's minder who slid mindlessly by taking ball body and stick past the far post. Miss. Big Jug-earning mistake.

Sutton Valence were not to be kept from their destiny and as the Old Wills looked weary, the relentless Mitchell fresh from the National Camel side-saddle championship and the back for one night only big time Charlie AndyTurnill the goals came thick and fast.

Slap happy Stampy now making a habit of smashing in goals when only a season ago he could not even make the backboard whisper added to the lead. The Skipper and leader of men now simply going by "the Great" has embodied the team's determination and will to win this season. Mark my words he is only one decent haircut away from being a great asset to the club.

There was only one blemish on the scoreboard second half. A soft goal, amazingly scored passed the languidity of tackle of the ever relaxed and laid back taller and better-looking McVarish brother. He was suitably admonished by Virgil Van Back and went on his merry way seeking another goal to add to his tally. 4-2.

The day was finished off with an all-round team goal like Pep and Xavi the tika taka of Village dreams the ball ended up in the back of the net to seal the deal at 5-2.

Like the Postman we always deliver. Old Wills dispatched. Promoted with aplomb. Sutton Valence 1st XI are a first rate team playing good hockey with a smile on their faces. A great season and thoroughly deserved winners of the Division.

Two more fixtures remain. The team will continue to be focussed on the end goal and open top party bus planned for the 6th April.

Next week sees the final home fixture vs. Gravesham. There will be team photos, cake and champagne and everyone is invited to share in the joy of the Champions.

Goals: Alex Stamp (3); Andy Turnill (2).

Team: Stewart Young; Russell Blanchard; Chris Back; Angus McVarish; Dan Brooks; Chris Johnson; Lewis Mitchell; Clayton Pohio; Richard Turnill; Alexander Stamp; Andy Turnill; Matthew Luksich.

Match report by Russell Blanchard.

Next week the 1st Xl are at home at 11:15 on S V School astro against Gravesham & Wellcome 1st Xl.