1st Xl win comfortably to keep League lead
By Paul Linaker
Visitors run out of steam in second half
The Mighty Valence collected themselves after the perennially ghastly crusade that is a trip to Ashford and prepared to face Borden Grammar School's (23rd-36th) finest old boys.
The opponents would be forgiven if they'd been preparing for a repeat of the spirited encounter with the green-clad band of merry men they faced on their home turf, but fortunately Lewis "Robin Hood" Mitchell had no hand in the day's fashion choices- not even in choosing his own shorts thanks to Will Scarlet who had taken the sartorial lead, with the familiar red strip adorning our heroes as they stepped onto the field.
And so it was that a "pundit" (is that the right collective noun?) of clichés about perfect shooting weather etc set the scene for what was sure to be a real crowd pleaser of a day. Certainly the massed spectators had gathered like the audience awaiting an archery contest at Nottingham Castle and Alan-a-Dale hit the target first- shooting his bolt predictably early.
Prince John also made a prompt appearance, with his 45 seconds of fame consisting of handing possession immediately to the enemy and leaving in disgrace.
The vile Sheriff of Nottingham's troops cruelly sought to snatch Maid Marion's honour, but repeatedly failed to penetrate her inner circle, with the merry men's defence proving far too strong. Robin Hood hit the bullseye himself after the interval and then in quick succession split his own arrow with another shot on target.
Little John eventually stopped playing with his staff and managed to help Much the Miller's son (who had spent the previous hour winding up his catapult) trouble the scorers, while the Saracen finally stopped scything down foes with his scimitar for long enough to inflict the killing blow for our heroes.
Sadly though, with a last gasp attempt, Nottingham's troops had their way with Marion- too little too late though, as the scene closes leaving Bryan Adams singing Everything I Do, I Do It For You and our heroes retire to the local hostelry for celebratory sausage-based shenanigans courtesy of Friar Tuck.
Cast of characters (in order of appearance):
Robin Hood: Lewis Mitchell
Will Scarlet-with-embarrassment-at-being-DoD: Fred McVarish
Alan-a-Dale: Charlie Humphrey
Prince John(ners): Co
Sheriff of Nottingham's troops: Old Bordenians
Maid Marion: the SV goal
"Little" John: Little Jack
Much the Miller's son: Stampy
The Saracen, played by Morgan Freeman: Marcus Bawden
Bryan Adams: Mickey Back
Friar Tuck: Dave
King Richard the Lionheart: Stanners
Kevin Costner: Brett
Alan Rickman: Trigger
Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio: Stu
Extra with remarkably good teeth: Russ
Best Boy (AKA MoM): Shags
Match Report by Lewis Mitchell.