If last week’s fixture felt like a pub brawl with sticks, this one was more like being repeatedly punched in the face by a trombone. Sutton Valence turned up to face Cliftonville full of optimism, only to find themselves three goals down within ten minutes. The defence looked shell-shocked, the midfield looked like it had been sponsored by Ambien, and the only thing moving quickly was the opposition’s scoreline.

But then came a flicker of life. A glimmer of defiance. Andy Turnhill appeared at the back post like an unwanted tax bill - completely unavoidable - and slammed home SV’s first goal. For a moment, the dream returned. But as the first half wheezed to an end, Cliftonville casually slotted a fourth. 4–1 at halftime, and Sutton’s changing room atmosphere could’ve been bottled and sold as industrial-strength disappointment.

The second half, however, was pure chaos. Cliftonville stopped the ball on the line by a defender’s foot. Step forward Coach Carter, who coolly buried the penalty flick like a man redeeming weeks of misplaced confidence.

Final score: Cliftonville 6, SV 2. Stamp ended the match on the naughty step after an ill-deserved green-to-yellow combo platter, while Barney “the not-so-gentle purple dinosaur” Hall dominated midfield like a prehistoric bulldozer and earned Man of the Match.

The real victory, though, was found at teas. Once again, Sutton Valence proved that even when the hockey goes sideways, the SBC doesn’t.

Goals: Andy Turnhill, Ali Carter

Team:
Stewart Young
James Stanford
Max Braddick
Dan Brooks (C)
Chris Johnson
Barney Hall - man of match
Josh
Ali Carter
Lewis Mitchell
Andy Turnhill
Alex Stamp
Richard Turnhill
Tom Millington

Next Match: Tunbridge Wells M2 (A) 14:30