Canterbury 2s 4 – 2 Sutton Valence 1s

A game of two halves. By the final whistle, our defence had joined the Dark Side, our attack was searching for a thermal detonator, and even the umpire seemed to be consulting the Jedi Council. May the Force, be with us next time.

On Saturday, Sutton Valence 1st XI made the trip east to face a high-flying Canterbury 2nd XI. With availability resembling the attendance at a village jumble sale, the mighty village arrived with just 11 players. No subs, no fresh legs and no opportunity for anyone to fake a hamstring injury and disappear for an early shower. It was less a hockey squad than a small rebel cell with a shared green and white VW minibus.

After the usual pre-match discussions about dodgy knees, questionable hamstrings and whose turn it was to buy the beers, the boys took to the pitch.

The whistle blew and Sutton Valence looked reasonably organised for the opening five minutes. Canterbury soon realised, however, that they were playing a team whose average recovery time between sprints was somewhere between 30 seconds and a short lie-down. The opposition had fresh legs, Sutton Valence had the combined mobility of Yoda after a long day on Dagobah.

It quickly became backs to the wall as the village parked their x-wings across the top of the D and attempted to repel the Canterbury invasion. The defensive plan was simple, hold the line, clear the ball and hope someone remembered where the lucozades were.

The defence held firm until Slacks decided to switch allegiance, don his green and white shirt and provide a delightful assist for a Canterbury forward to tap home. A lovely bit of hospitality, although perhaps not quite what the travelling supporter(s) had in mind. The Dark Side had claimed its first victim.

Things went from bad to worse shortly afterwards. A quickly taken free hit caught the Sutton Valence midfield enjoying what must have been a particularly interesting discussion about where the outer rim territories are, allowing Canterbury to make it two. On this occasion, Slacks, upon deciding that one wasn’t quite enough, produced another defensive masterclass, missing a trap in the D to gift Canterbury their second. Had he finally been seduced by the Dark Side as Darth Slacks was now fully operational, complete with suspiciously accurate assists.

Stampy also joined the entertainment, finding himself repeatedly in the unfamiliar territory of the defensive D. Clearly confused by being at the wrong end of the pitch, he knocked the ball off the back line, demonstrating his usual shooting accuracy but unfortunately at the wrong goal and allowing Canterbury to bury the resulting penalty corner.

3–0 at half-time. Not ideal.

The half-time team talk was delivered to a group of men who looked as though they had just completed the London Marathon in full hockey kit. Spirits were low, legs were heavy and several players were beginning to question their life choices wondering whether an afternoon clay pigeon shooting would have been better. There were whispers of retirement, early baths and whether anyone had remembered what happened to McVarish on the dance floor the week before.

A few words of encouragement, some tactical adjustments and the traditional promise that we would play better in the second half followed. The Force was clearly strong in the dugout as there was a faint disturbance in the tea urn….

The second half began much like the first, with Sutton Valence defending for their lives and relying heavily on Marek, the village Jedi between the sticks. Armed with lightning-fast reactions and seemingly unlimited Force powers, he repeatedly kept Canterbury at bay, leaving their forwards to wonder whether Sutton Valence had swapped the goal for an ice hockey net or whether Marek had simply become one with the goalmouth.

Every save was met with quiet approval from the bench. There was no bench, of course, so it was mostly exhausted defenders wheezing appreciatively.

The fourth goal. An aerial ball found McVarish in the attacking corner, where he brought it down and looked to make his way into the circle. Unfortunately, the umpire awarded Canterbury a free hit. The defensive line briefly entered hyperspace, only to reappear several yards behind the play with Canterbury making it 4-0 on the break.

At this point, most teams would have accepted their fate, started discussing the clubhouse menu and quietly hoped the umpire might blow for full time out of sympathy. Some players were already mentally boarding the Millennium Falcon home, not Sutton Valence!

Finally rewarded for their efforts, the village produced a beautifully worked open-play move, finished at the far post by Stampy. A rare moment of quality from a man who had spent the first half trying to score at both ends. The ball nestled in the net, the celebrations began and somewhere in the galaxy a small Ewok dropped its lunch out of shock.

At 4–1, there was suddenly a flicker of life. Then came another moment of magic. McVarish unleashed an absolute thunderbolt from outside the D, which Stampy expertly deflected into the net via a Canterbury defender’s backside.

Two goals in the game for Stampy. Was it time to start thinking about a possible jug after the game? Stranger things have happened, although not many. Somewhere, Yoda was muttering, “A striker, he is.”

4–2. Ten minutes remaining. Surely not? Could Sutton Valence pull off the greatest comeback since the introduction of the short corner or since Jabba the Hutt last saw his ‘man bits’? Could the village become the hockey equivalent of the Rebel Alliance and bring down the Canterbury Death Star? Well, no. Let’s not get carried away.

Marek continued his Jedi-like resistance between the sticks, repelling anything Canterbury could throw at him, while Sutton Valence battled right to the final whistle. The score remained 4–2, with the village emerging knackered, battered but thoroughly proud of a proper team performance.

The boys can certainly hold their heads high. Although, given the number of tackles, sprints, some may have struggled to lift their heads at all on Sunday morning. A few were probably walking like C-3PO after an aggressive encounter with an astroturf, while others moved with the grace of a stormtrooper trying to hit the target.

There was, of course, the small matter of the post match clubhouse, where the usual forensic analysis of the game began. This was swiftly followed by a few beers en route home, during which McVarish’s under-kilt exploits from the previous week were discussed, admired and unanimously declared a fine piece of work.

MoM - Marek, for keeping the score respectable and proving that the Force really is strong with this one. A performance worthy of a Jedi Master, although his kit was considerably less glamorous.

Moment of the Match - Stampy scoring at the correct end……twice. Some things are worth celebrating. ?

DoD - Slacks, for his generous contributions to the Canterbury goal tally. A fine display of community spirit and a worrying flirtation with the Dark Side. May the assists be with you.

Report By: Chris Back

Goals: Alex Stamp x2

Team: - Marek Ostrowski, Chris Back, Ali Carter, Richard Turnill, Matt Luksich, Fred McVarish, Jack Bowers, Andy Turnill, Alex Stamp, Alex Stanford, Eddie Baxter

Next Match: Canterbury Pilgrims (H) 14:45