With the last chorus of Dancing Queen ringing in our ears and thoughts of school discos past lit with beautiful sunshine we prepared ourselves for the lager-laden youth of University of Kent. They had once again travelled mob handed with cheerleaders and even a couple of parents this time, how sweet.
There was a rousing set of dynamics and liberal application of ointments and medicaments and we were off.
This was a day for battening down the hatches and making our way up our own seemingly never-ending Cheltenham hill to the finish.
It started well, they came thick and fast, just like the young stallions entertained by Stampie’s new young filly. More of that later. The young Kents were rebuffed and the Village men were strong. We welcomed back the chairman and the treasurer who had both been polishing something in the corners of their vast property empires the last few weeks and we were better for it, until alas the chairman’s Michael Owen like hamstring reminded him of his antiquity. It was short and sweet but no doubt in 9 months we will see another Lazarus-like rebirth.
On we pressed and we started to get a foot hold. There was passing and aggression and little or no squabbling. There was petulance from the Uni-toddlers and the boys in blue needed some baby wipes and a little cuddle from their Mums.
And there was an opening goal from the home team. Tom two L’s Willson managing to spare his blushes by bobbling it deftly in to the bottom left corner. The first-half pressure was now with Sutton Valence and all too often the grubby boys of Kent stood with confusion and a little tear. They stamped their feet and when confronted by the bench warming Turnill they rolled on their backs and barely got to their feet.
It was all one big sunny blur. The half time team talk was calm and breathless but the undoubtable phrase “they don’t like it up ‘em” spurred us on to further joy.
There were some quite astounding highlights. For once McVarish was not troubled by last night’s Goachers and Stille only slid on to his face the once. There was the sight of Parker getting proper feisty with a young whippersnapper who questioned his thermal attire just one time to many.
There was a once in a lifetime Tragett-spin and the almost unbelievable, a misplaced Chris Back pass, although it should be said he was quite outstanding in a performance that often felt like there were more than two of him on the pitch at the same time.
Once again the skipper, Mr Utility Whitmill, was determined and confident in his work between the sticks. The central midfield Willson dynamo took on new challenges and wound his opposite number up so tight he would surely be struggling to get to sleep in his cot tonight.
“Mr Entertainment” Johnson did not let us down. The Back and Johnson show was quiet this week but the antics were not. It was all there, saved for the touch-line fans. The Johnners’ spins, the missed stops, the single-paced chase back. Amazing, and capped off by a worldy 20 yard aerial off the back of the pitch. So brilliant was it that Big Hands Barr trotted over to congratulate Johnners and struck him deservedly on his arse.
But without doubt the star of our show, rising from his familiar whipping boy Dick of the Day status and now newly loved up with a rubber gloved maiden, our very own Alex Stamp. 2 goals, one that made an uncharacteristic noise when it hit the back board and another astonishing back stick duff straight over the keeper. Hats off to the Village people’s Man of the Day. You have won yourself a new pair of leather chaps.
So there we were 3-0 and cruising. No need to worry, order up the Goachers let’s move on nothing to see here...not quite...2 short corners from the vest wearer of Kent and they were back in the game at 3-2.
Not to worry one last Slack Chuck into Chart Sutton and we hung on.
What a day...not since Miley Cyrus had a wardrobe malfunction on stage has the author been happier!
Beers in the Queens head followed with 2 sausages for some...that will do me.
Next week Marden’s children will take on the Men of Sutton Valence. Roll on next week.

Goals: Tom Willson; Alex Stamp (2).

MoM: Alex Stamp.

Team: Mark Whitmill, Russell Blanchard, Steve Parker, Chris Johnson, Chris Back, Andy Barr, Tom Willson, Fred McVarish, Ben Tragett, Chris Stille, Alex Stamp, Richard Turnill, Brett Angel, Lewis Mitchell.

Umpires: Iain Simmons and Andrew Wishart.

Match Report by Russell Blanchard.

The 2nd Xl’s game on the 26th March will be away at 16.00 against Marden Russets 3rd Xl.