Game day. The action starts at a dizzying 8.18am. Ball drop time. The news many sore heads had been hoping for - push-back delayed by 2 hours.
Another pre-push back twist follows - the opposition had launched a pre-emptive strike to claim the home team’s own dugout. First blood to Ashford.
Winning the toss sees things starting to look a little brighter for SV. With McVarish Junior making his debut on the whistle, a result of the chairman being out-foxed by operation Brock, the game begins.
Play On! Play On! A hectic start sees Ashford making great gains down both flanks. SV manage to hold off the waves of attacks with bravery and the odd dash of skill.
A heckle from the side marks the welcome arrival of the Chairman on the whistle. Despite the careful repositioning of every free hit, an unexpected run of play from Ashford results in mass panic in the Valence D. A bouncing ball, flying stick and a cry of foul does not stop the ball from making its way into the SV goal. 0:1 Ashford.
As the half progressed, Valence start to find their feet and are soon launching attacks into the Ashford D. A well-placed foot stops a clear goal scoring opportunity. With the Ashford defender dispatched off the side-line with a card, Kirkham steps up to take the penalty flick.
After being laid-up ill for a week resulting in a weight loss result only slim fast subscription payers can dream of, many were expecting great things. Yet it was not to be, the floating ball bounced off the Ashford keeper’s glove. Close but no goal.
Half time comes and goes. The message - give it your all, only 35 mins of the season remaining. SV start the half well; constant pressure results in a number of penalty corners - all go wide of the target. The half time shot of Calpol does nothing for Kirkham’s aim.
With harder tackles now coming in from both teams, the away supporters begin to get rowdy. This is far too much excitement for the Chairman. The Ashford Captain is sent off to get them back in line. As Valence’s legs tired, the younger Ashford side mounted counter attacks. The back 4 held strong and repelled the whippersnappers from where they once came.
Heroic individual efforts could not change the course of the game. A final and most disappointing of score-lines, a 1 nil loss to Ashford. Not the way to finish the season but with the opposition declining the offer of teas, one must ask; “who were the real winners”?
Double f*****g sausage!

Team: Stewart Young, Tom Bartlett, Alex Stamp, Ben Tragett, Dickie Turnill, Kevin Kirkham, Mark Whitmill, Russell Blanchard, Fred McVarish, Steve Parker, Jack Davies, Tom Willson.
Umpires: Iain Simmons; Lewis Mitchell.

Match report by Jack Davies.